Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: change, christianity, future, God, hope, Jesus, love, music, passion, Song
SO much has happened. SO much that the Savior has done in my life and in the lives of those around me.
When I first met Jesus, I was so excited to know Him and be a part of what He was doing on earth. Then I became slightly apathetic for about a year. And then for several years I was on FIRE. There was absolutely nothing that could deter me from my focus on Him. Many bad things happened during this time and I just kept saying, “He is Just.”
But then I stopped believing it and I walked away. I walked into what I now call my ’spiritual crisis’. This past year has been incredibly difficult. Learning to trust Him again and love Him without abandon again. And not necessarily how I used to. Like Abraham, I feel like He is leading me down old paths and leading me back to where I began with Him in order to learn to love Him all over again. Which is damn hard.
I have been clinging to a certain song. It’s by an artist Audrey Assad. If you’re reading this and you haven’t heard her. Oh my gosh. Listen to her. The song ‘Known’ has been my heartbeat the past few months. In and out of sin.
Audrey told me,”I know from experience that Jesus makes ALL things new, even the ugliest, the sourest, the darkest. Just to encourage you. I guess it boggles my mind that He could lean over my unformed body, putting it together, with perfect love and tenderness, knowing exactly how many times I would fall. He truly is merciful. He truly is kind.”
Those that know me know that music is my biggest passion. Whether it’s listening or writing or performing… it’s a passion God instilled in me. And for months… I cannot get this one song out of my head. I’m not sure that God has EVER used one song so strongly to speak to me. I’ve actually decided to walk down the aisle to THIS song. At the “as a lover knows…” part. Because this is my story. Thank you again Audrey.
Luke and I talk about this all the time… just like Paul said in the NT… doing the very things you hate and never succeeded at the things your heart burns within your chest to do.
I freaking hate it.
Black as tar… like Audrey said.
This is her song… please listen. ‘Known‘
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“As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame.
and as a mother knows her baby’s face,
You have known me.
As the summer air within my chest,
I have breathed You deep down into my breast.
And as You know the hairs upon my head,
every thought, and every word I’ve said…
Saviour, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me was I was and as I will be
In the morning and in the evening, You have known me
You have known me completely
You have known me.
And as the exhilaration of autumn’s bite,
You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with You and I.
From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul,
You’ve known me, God, You have known my ways
In my rising and my sitting down, You have seen me as I am.
As the lover knows His beloved’s heart;
all the shapes and curves of her, even in the dark,
You have formed me in my inward parts;
You have known me, You have known me.”
Oh so beautiful. I want nothing else than to tell others what God has done for me.
I don’t care exactly how’s it done as long as it’s done. And I know damn well it isn’t done through pretending like I’m perfect and like I have it all together. Because I sure as hell don’t. I’ve never seen Jesus in a perfect person. I see Jesus in those who crumble often. I see Jesus in the hurting and the sinners.
I see Jesus in Luke. Luke, who so terribly wants to love Jesus with every fiber of his being. Luke, who has such a big smile and a big heart.
I see Jesus in Jessica Lauren. Dear sweet JL, who now matter WHAT is the most beautiful woman of God I’ve ever met. JL who has been through more pain than I can even let my heart accept. JL who will not stop fighting off the enemy.
I see Jesus in people like Christina and Deana and Tami and Hannah and Adrien and Malia and Bethany and Travis and Callie and Jeff and Kathryn. I see Jesus in SO MANY people. These brothers and sisters whose stories I can’t even begin to tell the greatness of them.
Not one of those people is perfect. So, I apologize to those who see me and are looking for something perfect. Because all you’ll see in me is a wretched, depraved sinner redeemed and comforted in the hands of a Just, Angry, Beautiful God.
I will do my best to live for Him. And no it’s not what everybody thinks it should look. But I see Him in me. And I know exactly what it looks like for Him to not be visible. And I see Him working. And I love it.
He has known me
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I long to be a Proverbs 31 woman.
Speaking for the truth. Virtuous, capable, trustworthy, a good helpmate for my future husband.
Multi-talented, energetic, strong, a good missionary, prepared.
Clothed with strength and dignity.
Joyful – a laugher, wise, kind. God-fearing.
I long to be a woman of integrity, strong character, deep wisdom, many skills and great compassion.
This is what I live for. This is my pursuit of Christ and His pursuit of me.
After all Acts tells us that “In Him we live and move and have our being.”
I want it all.
-kelly ann
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I’ve really been wrestling with the mind of the Lord the last two weeks. I’m freaking worn out. Walking away with a limp? Check.
See… I’m in love with a boy. His name is Luke Cory Jones. This boy Luke is in love with the God of the Universe. Check. He’s also in love with me. Check.
God is doing AMAZING things through us. Truly beautiful things that I rarely see in the lives of others. Proof that it’s all Him and not us at all.
After nine/ten months of Luke’s prayers and about five months of my own prayers… we’ve both been begging God to show us His plan for us individually and collectively. God is being a quiet One. Which freaking KILLS me because in my mind… I gotta know now! You know? I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s providing peace. Not so much clarity. He is Alive and Working and His Hand is evident but it’s where it’s leading that is still not clear.
Patience, Kelly. Be still, my child. That’s ALL I’ve been hearing and I can’t quite say I’ve checked those off my list just yet. Oh, that and “Fear of the Lord leads to wisdom.” Okaaaayyy… well just what is this wisdom then!?! At least it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I’ve got my dear sweet best friend Jessica-Lauren walking with me hand in hand. Oh, God.
So, as my heart searches out the Lord’s plans for me and the Lord’s plans for Luke… I’ve had this poem in the back of my mind. It’s called “Ants in the Sugar Bowl” [author unknown]
Just lovely.
I dream of Africa. Check.
So I send you to ants in the sugar bowl.
To things that fly, creep and crawl into the house.
So I send you to uncertain water and sporadic electricity.
To long hours, sweltering heat, exhausting days.
So I send you to uncomfortable vehicles, crowded jeeps, smelly buses.
To noisy early, EARLY mornings.
So I send you to rice, rice and more rice.
To poverty you didnt believe existed.
So I send you to masses of people like you have never seen.
To know and work with people who have never even known any kind of comfort.
So I send you and I expect you to adjust.
So I send you to people who will give to you in the middle of poverty.
To friends that will embarress you with their generosity.
So I send you to pastors that will entertain you from their lack, with bounty.
To hungry, receptive, questioning people who want to know God.
So I send you to study, to teach, and to learn.
To probe your very own motives, values and beliefs.
So I send you to learn about yourself and the culture that has reared you.
To know God and to understand more deeply… dependence on Him.
So I send you.
Are you going? Because I will go with you all the way.
Trying to enjoy the bumps along this journey toward Him? Check.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: amazing, beauty, deliverance, friends, God, revolution, sisters, worship
My life just gets better as the days go by. And I know it won’t always be this way. And I don’t have to choose joy, but I do. Like right now I could very well have a blood infection, but I’m hoping I don’t. I miss my boyfriend but I’ll see him soon. I really want a cigarette but God is delivering me. And again, I know this could be a hell of a lot worse. I’m content where I am.
I can’t even begin to explain how much the Lord has done in my life the past two weeks. It’s unbelievable!!! I was just sitting in my room a last Sunday, the 20th, and starting realzing how ugly of a a person I’ve become. I also started thinking about how much I’ve complained and cried out the past four or five months because God hasn’t been “speaking to me” or what not.
Then I started thinking about all the idols in my life. Cigarettes. I am so addicted it’s not even funny. Almost a pack a day. That’s awful! Which, aside from the health factor, I don’t like being addicted to something period!
Alcohol. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with alcohol but I do think there’s something wrong with being on the verge of being an alcoholic [which runs in my family]. I also think there’s something wrong with the fact that if I’m having a bad day I always say to myself, “Man, I can’t wait to have a drink” instead of “Oh, I can’t wait to get home and see what God has to offer me.” PLUS, I can count 6 or 7 times that I’ve drank in the past year alone and NOT gotten drunk. I have no self control. This is an idol in my life.
I’m not going to go into the details of everything because I’ll just ramble on. But there are so many things seperating me from God. So between Him, Luke and about 8 of the godliest women I know… God started a Revolution in my heart.
Within two hours of me being on the verge of just letting go and walking away again. Walking away from home. From Luke. From God. Within two hours of this, God showed me COUNTLESS Scriptures like this,
22 ”Therefore, give the people of Israel this message from the Sovereign LORD: I am bringing you back, but not because you deserve it. I am doing it to protect my holy name, on which you brought shame while you were scattered among the nations.23 I will show how holy my great name is—the name on which you brought shame among the nations. And when I reveal my holiness through you before their very eyes, says the Sovereign LORD, then the nations will know that I am the LORD.24 For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land.
25 ”Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.26 And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new, obedient heart. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will obey my laws and do whatever I command.” —Ezekiel 36:22-27
Verse after verse after verse after verse of God promising me that he’ll deliver me and restore me and uplift me and rebuild me.
Praise the Lord for what’s going on around here. I haven’t felt this way or see God’s hand so clearly in about a year and a half. And I have NEVER been more aware of the prayers of the Saints as I have these past two weeks.
It also stands to amaze me what the Lord will do THROUGH me when I am kneeling before Him. Because not two days after this happened, a sweet sweet sister of mine watched all of her walls fall down and she reached out for me. Only God knows why. But He has used me to speak truth into her life and I pray it doesn’t stop. Because it isn’t me. Seriously, there’s a revolution going on. I can’t miss out on it.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: beauty, for cassidy, God, growth, love, Luke, me, relationships, wisdom
I wonder if God really meant for romantic love to have such a strong impact on our relationships with Him. (I like to think He did). For see, I am madly in love with Luke Jones. And the way he and I pray for one another; the way he and I touch one another; the way he and I treat and speak to one another; the way he and I look at one another; the way he and I even think about one another will directly affect our heart and the way we interact with The Lord.
For the first time in over a year I actually DEEPLY trust God. I trust that He can direct and lead where necessary (everywhere). I trust because I asked. I trust because He said He’d do it.
In 1 Peter 3:3-4 it says “Don’t be concerned about outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
The only other time in the New Testament it the writers use the root word for this word “precious” is in reference to Jesus’ blood.
HOW BEAUTIFUL to be seen on that level. I desperately long to become that woman again. Even more so than before.
I am so unbelievably SICK and effing TIRED of just dipping my feet in the water. I either want to just get out and walk away or dive in and swim in the great depths of God’s love, mercy, second and 239th chances. I long for wisdom and discernment. I long to be a woman of great character and dignity and integrity. I long to love my Lord again without bounds.
