i am broken. i am redeemed.

SO much has happened. SO much that the Savior has done in my life and in the lives of those around me.

When I first met Jesus, I was so excited to know Him and be a part of what He was doing on earth. Then I became slightly apathetic for about a year. And then for several years I was on FIRE. There was absolutely nothing that could deter me from my focus on Him. Many bad things happened during this time and I just kept saying, “He is Just.”

But then I stopped believing it and I walked away. I walked into what I now call my ’spiritual crisis’. This past year has been incredibly difficult. Learning to trust Him again and love Him without abandon again. And not necessarily how I used to. Like Abraham, I feel like He is leading me down old paths and leading me back to where I began with Him in order to learn to love Him all over again. Which is damn hard.

I have been clinging to a certain song. It’s by an artist Audrey Assad. If you’re reading this and you haven’t heard her. Oh my gosh. Listen to her. The song ‘Known’ has been my heartbeat the past few months. In and out of sin.

Audrey told me,”I know from experience that Jesus makes ALL things new, even the ugliest, the sourest, the darkest. Just to encourage you. I guess it boggles my mind that He could lean over my unformed body, putting it together, with perfect love and tenderness, knowing exactly how many times I would fall. He truly is merciful. He truly is kind.”

Those that know me know that music is my biggest passion. Whether it’s listening or writing or performing… it’s a passion God instilled in me. And for months… I cannot get this one song out of my head. I’m not sure that God has EVER used one song so strongly to speak to me. I’ve actually decided to walk down the aisle to THIS song. At the “as a lover knows…” part. Because this is my story. Thank you again Audrey.

Luke and I talk about this all the time… just like Paul said in the NT… doing the very things you hate and never succeeded at the things your heart burns within your chest to do.

I freaking hate it.

Black as tar… like Audrey said.

This is her song… please listen. ‘Known‘

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“As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame.
and as a mother knows her baby’s face,
You have known me.

And as the exhilaration of autumn’s bite,
You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with You and I.

From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul,
You’ve known me, God, You have known my ways
In my rising and my sitting down, You have seen me as I am.

As the lover knows His beloved’s heart;
all the shapes and curves of her, even in the dark,
You have formed me in my inward parts;
You have known me, You have known me.”

Oh so beautiful. I want nothing else than to tell others what God has done for me.

I don’t care exactly how’s it done as long as it’s done. And I know damn well it isn’t done through pretending like I’m perfect and like I have it all together. Because I sure as hell don’t. I’ve never seen Jesus in a perfect person. I see Jesus in those who crumble often. I see Jesus in the hurting and the sinners.

I see Jesus in Luke. Luke, who so terribly wants to love Jesus with every fiber of his being. Luke, who has such a big smile and a big heart. 

I see Jesus in Jessica Lauren. Dear sweet JL, who now matter WHAT is the most beautiful woman of God I’ve ever met. JL who has been through more pain than I can even let my heart accept. JL who will not stop fighting off the enemy.

I see Jesus in people like Christina and Deana and Tami and Hannah and Adrien and Malia and Bethany and Travis and Callie and Jeff and Kathryn. I see Jesus in SO MANY people. These brothers and sisters whose stories I can’t even begin to tell the greatness of them.

Not one of those people is perfect. So, I apologize to those who see me and are looking for something perfect. Because all you’ll see in me is a wretched, depraved sinner redeemed and comforted in the hands of a Just, Angry, Beautiful God.

I will do my best to live for Him. And no it’s not what everybody thinks it should look. But  I see Him in me. And I know exactly what it looks like for Him to not be visible. And I see Him working. And I love it.

He has known me