i am broken. i am redeemed.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that a day does not go by where I do NOT stuggle with loving Jesus.

Believing Jesus.

PRAISING HIM for dying for me.

I wish I could say that I woke up every day and praised God and talked to Him like the Lover and Friend and Savior that He is. But I just don’t.

It’s absolutely absurd that He would do this, die for me, knowing I would spit in his face before I turned my back and run. But to Him it was worth it. For me and for you. He would rather die than leave us in the dark.

Also, anyone who knows me knows that I am not anything near a preacher. This could be good just as it could be bad. I won’t make that decision. But as the tears viciously stream down my face as I type this, I plead with God that I NEVER come to the place where I am not broken on my knees for my sin.

I can just see Him up there, barely breathing and blood pouring all down his body. And it was all for me and you. He who knew NO sin BECAME sin so that we could live. So that YOU AND I could live. Talk about a good friday.

Why is it that on this particular friday, I hate myself? I hate my sin. I hate my choices. I hate that I bow to sex and drugs and alcohol and lying and stealing and gossip and greed and hatred and bitterness. I hate myself for that. And all of those feelings of shame and hatred and hurt and grief are the EXACT feelings that Jesus felt when He was on that cross.

Never let me forget that those were my nails and that was my crown of thorns. I feel like I should be apoligizing to God for Him taking it from me. But it’s out of my hands isn’t it? Just like it’s out of your hands. There is nothing we could ever do to make up for the shitty choices in our lives.

WE OWE EVERY BREATH TO JESUS CHRIST!

And I know VERY well that more times than not I am a TERRIBLE example of Christ’s purpose and will. But at the same time, I suppose I’m a PERFECT example of his grace and redemption and furious love. Anyone reading this, I want to apoligize to you for not loving Him the way I should and in so doing not showing YOU how greatly He loves you and can change your life like He absolutely has done for me.

Julie, I’m sorry. Amie, I’m sorry. Dominque, I’m sorry. Colina, I’m sorry. Kris, I’m sorry. Nikki, I’m sorry. Jamille, I’m sorry. Katie, I’m sorry. Brandi, Justin, Mike, Ryan, Evan, Brad, Jenni, Sean, Lynn, Nicole, Caryn, Chad, anyone and everyone who knew me whether or not I was wanting to love God in that moment:::::: I’m sorry I screwed up and didn’t exemplify Christ’s love for you through his love for me. I’m sorry.

I owe everything to Him.

And I desperately wish that I knew I wouldn’t struggle with hating Him tomorrow. How the hell could I? After knowing that he was beaten and murdered and came back to life again so that I wouldn’t have to die like that. So that I could be in heaven with Him if I wanted to be.

If I wander from that alter, lead me back to the place you were slain.

I hope that every person who reads this has a wonderful weekend. Please don’t let today and Sunday pass by without recognizing the miracle that was Christ’s death and resurrection. This is the metanarrative that defines your very being.